Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
