I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
