I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
