would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
