p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
did i just pee glitter
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You left your phone here
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