You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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