soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
