champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
