i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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