I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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