you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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