How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Fuck appropriateness.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
