i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
