That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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