when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
