i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just found a bag of teeth...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
