i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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