I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
