What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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