It was confusing and full of hummus
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
