Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
