my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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