Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
