I'm jealous of your bromance
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
