I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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