i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
