watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
