wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
