Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
