for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
