Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
