I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
