I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Randomize
