I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
