Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
