sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
