Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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