I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
