official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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