just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
