In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
