my mouth tastes like poor choices
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
