I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You've changed since you got that strap on
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
