I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize