A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
