Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
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