my room smells like sperm. sweet.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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