If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
