I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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