Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
